You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News by Writers of Cracked dot Com

Author:Writers of Cracked dot Com [Com, Writers of Cracked dot]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Curiosities & Wonders, Curiosities and wonders, Humor, Reference, General
ISBN: 9780452296398
Publisher: Penguin
Published: 2010-12-28T10:00:00+00:00

FIVE FIGHT MOVES

THAT ONLY WORK IN

MOVIES

MOVIEGOERS understand that

most of what they’re seeing in

action flicks is bullshit: Buses

won’t jump a sixty-yard gap in the

highway, a fire hose is not a bungee

cord, and Steven Seagal is a bigger

threat to a Sizzler buffet than a gang

of criminals. Objectively, our

brains know that, and yet most real-

world bar fights feature at least one

guy trying out a move he saw in a

martial arts film—and being

subsequently shocked to learn he

would have been better off casting

an ass-kicking spell he’d found in

the pages of a Harry Potter novel.

5. BEER BOTTLE OVER

THE HEAD

For years, a beer bottle shattered

over the head has been the visual

shorthand for “this person got

knocked unconscious.” But when

real people really smack a real beer

bottle over someone’s head, one of

two things happens: (1) It doesn’t

break and they are enraged, or (2)

their head gets wet. If you’re lucky,

you might open up a cut. If you’re

unlucky, it will be on your hand.

Otherwise the body attached to the

head it broke against can go about

the business of kicking your ass

while still fully conscious and, if

anything, somewhat refreshed.

You don’t have to take our word

for it: Thanks to YouTube and the

contents of the beer bottles

themselves, there are hundreds of

easily accessible failed bottle-over-

head experiments. And though each

of the amateur scientists involved

clearly has a soft skull, they all

remain wildly undevastated by their

bottle-breaking field work. No

one’s saying try this at home, just

trust that the millions of years

evolution spent building a helmet

for your brain trumps an empty Bud

Light every time.

The rest of Road House though?

One hundred percent accurate. It’s

basically a documentary.

4. THE TWIST WITH

YOUR HANDS/LEGS

NECK BREAK

Even if you do it really hard and

your victim is a completely

incidental guard outside the

enemy’s base, coming up behind

someone and cranking their head to

the side doesn’t break their neck.

You probably suspected this the

first time your chiropractor did it to

you and you didn’t wake up rolling

through heaven in a wheelchair.

When the spine is given a choice

between simply turning in the same

direction as the neck or detaching

from the head, it usually picks the

first one.

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